CONTROL, MY COMPANION

Sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a place where I can stop.  A place where I can unpack, permanently settle.  I have always carried my bed roll on my back.  I do put it down and unroll it but at a moment’s notice I can grab it and flee.  Sometimes I flee because I am afraid of the unknown and what I can’t see or what might happen.  Often I run away before “it” comes and that way I feel “safer” and more in control.  Other times I escape when I have been hurt, when I see or experience something reminding me of the “truth” that no one really can be trusted.

My hand is never far from the pack and my eyes are scanning the room for any slight glimpse of possible danger.  My ears are alert to the whispers of deception and manipulation.  My heart and emotions stand guard, ready to flee.  I have lived this way for a very long time.  I have wondered if another way was possible.  I do not know how to let go of the control, of the desperate repeated attempts to protect myself.  How do I get past the fear of trusting someone else to do things right or well?

Control has been an intimate companion; always with me and maybe even my hero and champion.  Could I dare to reveal how I have trusted control as my savior in many situations? Control has given me a sense of power, the strength to tackle almost any obstacle, and the ability to survive and endure.  I enjoy its company and the sense of power we share.

But, “control” has been a deceiver as well.  It has been convincing me of power and strength I do not possess.  Control has been leading me to believe I can keep bad things from happening and that I have abilities to change or control others if I work long and hard enough.  Oh, how I wish it was true but sadly it is not.  Has my companion fed me lies in order to maintain its power over me?  Do I dare to question its motives and purposes?  This is one I have trusted and walked with believing it was on my side.  Control offered empty promises and kept me from trusting others.  Once again what I thought was something good has resulted in binding me and keeping me from the truth.  I have felt safe traveling with control and yet, true safety is not found in hiding but in trusting and moving toward others who are willing to journey with me towards Truth.

By Christina Grace